No introduction needed for this megastar.
Dear Dennis, thanks so much for answering my questions and taking time out of your busy schedule of terrorising the local community.
No worries, but make it quick, I’ve got a busy day’s menacing ahead of me. I’m down to splat Walter with a tomato in fifteen minutes then it’s jelly in Sergeant Slipper’s shoes at half past.
My first question is, have you ever been served with an ASBO? (Anti Social Behaviour Order).
No, but I’ve been served with burger and chips.
Could you tell us why, in 60 years, you have not aged?
The Beano keeps everybody young. Except my parents – they look older every day, Hyuk-hyuk!
Do you use hair dye?
Do you want a biff on the conk?
What breed of dog is Gnasher? And have you ever thought of getting the Dog Whisperer involved to sort him out?
Gnasher’s an Abyssinian Wire-Haired Tripehound. The dog whisperer stopped whispering and started screaming when Gnasher took a bite out of the seat of his trousers.
Have you ever had a girlfriend? And if not, why? Something we should know? We hear that there may have been something between you and Minnie the Minx? Can you confirm or deny these rumours?
Girls? Are you daft in the noggin? Minnie’s my mate – and if you ask her this daft question she’ll belt you up the hooter.
What do you think of Justin Bieber?
Shouldn’t you be asking Justin what he thinks of me? I’m the real star, mate.
Is it true that you once auditioned for Disney but they thought you were a little too wild?
I’m not a little too wild for anything – I’m a LOT too wild for EVERYTHING!
What’s your favourite song? Film? Book?
Loud. Scary. Funny. In that order.
When will we see you in 3d?
3d’s not big enough for me – I need 4d at least!
Would you mind if we introduced you to a fashion expert to sort out your clothes? Only you look a bit like a poor rugby player.
Listen, sunshine, don’t diss the stripes, ok? This is a fashion classic. The punk rocker’s nicked this look back in the 70s.
What do you think is the meaning of existence?
A whippet in a bowler hat. Work that out if you can, Mr Smarty-pants.
Do you believe aliens visit planet earth?
I’ve met Plug from the Bash Street Kids. After you see him you’ll believe in anything.
Do you believe in ghosts?
Yeah. They’re scared of me.
Are you still the World’s Naughtiest Boy? Or is Nasty Norman worse?
Of course I’m the World’s Naughtiest! I’ve seen off every challenger over the years! Bring ‘em on and I’ll send ‘em packing!
What happened to Walter?
What? Today? Well, I custard-pied him at 9… swapped his homework for my baby sister’s old nappy at 10…
I have a spare pea-shooter, would you like it?
I already have an Inter-Continental Ballistic Peashooter, why would I want another one?
Are you a vegetarian? Or would you make bacon sandwiches out of Rasher?
Are you trying to get on my wick? Ask a sensible question… or else!
Unlike other stars and celebrities, you don’t seem to have had any plastic surgery and we almost never see you in the gutter press getting out of stretch limos. What’s the secret of keeping such a low profile?
I’m too busy having fun and menacing to get involved in any of that celebrity rubbish.
And finally, do you have a message for all the big boys and girls out there who have followed your exploits for decades?
Carry On Menacing but please, look after the planet for us kids eh!
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